valfreyja's accountability ๐ฅ๐๐ฃ๐ฉฐ❄️
Started by valfreyja, Mar 17 2021 03:30 PM
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#1 
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Posted 17 March 2021 - 03:30 PM
I'm starting treatment soon because my compulsive purging is ruining my health (life). I have the initial assessment in a couple of months, but I feel I have to get down to a certain weight before then. I'm really worried about all of this but will record things here for a while.
7 week plan: 750 kcals per day
Breakfast: nothing or porridge sachet.
Lunch: homemade soup (and up to 1 slice sourdough w butter).
Dinner: main meal (choose option from recipe books up to 500kcal).
Eating in the day usually makes me feel I need to purge it, and the only days I have managed to go without purging recently have been those that I fasted for most of or the entire day. I want to be able to eat a wholesome meal in the evening but have to avoid feeling the need to purge it. This is just my initial plan and I might need to change it depending on how my body feels in the next few weeks - if I manage to avoid the purging, I might be able to increase calories a bit.
7 week plan: 750 kcals per day
Breakfast: nothing or porridge sachet.
Lunch: homemade soup (and up to 1 slice sourdough w butter).
Dinner: main meal (choose option from recipe books up to 500kcal).
Eating in the day usually makes me feel I need to purge it, and the only days I have managed to go without purging recently have been those that I fasted for most of or the entire day. I want to be able to eat a wholesome meal in the evening but have to avoid feeling the need to purge it. This is just my initial plan and I might need to change it depending on how my body feels in the next few weeks - if I manage to avoid the purging, I might be able to increase calories a bit.
#2
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Posted 18 March 2021 - 04:30 AM
18/03/21
Breakfast
Cinnamon porridge (made with water and a splash of vanilla soy milk stirred through) w homemade plum jam/compote that I made quickly last night. Black coffee as always. Trying to drink less coffee and a lot more water/herbal tea though and have had a couple of mugs of roibois, honey & spiced fig tea
๐ค
Really need to focus on work today but my brain is so fogged up lately.
Lunch
Minestrone soup
Dinner
Beetroot, sweet potato mash, gherkins & tomatoes, potato thing. This was so good <3 I added himilayan pink salt, black pepper, oregano (the only herb I had left lol)
Breakfast
Cinnamon porridge (made with water and a splash of vanilla soy milk stirred through) w homemade plum jam/compote that I made quickly last night. Black coffee as always. Trying to drink less coffee and a lot more water/herbal tea though and have had a couple of mugs of roibois, honey & spiced fig tea
๐คReally need to focus on work today but my brain is so fogged up lately.
Lunch
Minestrone soup
Dinner
Beetroot, sweet potato mash, gherkins & tomatoes, potato thing. This was so good <3 I added himilayan pink salt, black pepper, oregano (the only herb I had left lol)
#3
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Posted 18 March 2021 - 12:42 PM
Just ate this - same potato things as dinner with beetroot and gherkin - and a mug of instant cinnamon porridge. Really really trying not to purge - I feel extremely full 
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#4
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Posted 19 March 2021 - 03:54 AM
19/03/21
Breakfast
This morning went badly - thought I could have this 250kcal pain au chocolat but didn't feel comfortable keeping it down so ate more and then purged - it barely came up and was really acidic and painful, counting as 500. Going to drink lots of tea and maybe have soup for dinner.
Lunch
Sushi
- this was good but I feel full and fighting purging it. Will see how I feel tonight but I think it's safe to say I'm done for the day... After this morning w the purging and now I've got some healthy food in me so should be fine the rest of the day. My boyfriend is taking me to the shop to buy some food tonight so can stock up on veggies for soup and some other bits. Taking it easy today because I've been unwell, but need to get myself together soon.
Breakfast
This morning went badly - thought I could have this 250kcal pain au chocolat but didn't feel comfortable keeping it down so ate more and then purged - it barely came up and was really acidic and painful, counting as 500. Going to drink lots of tea and maybe have soup for dinner.
Lunch
Sushi
- this was good but I feel full and fighting purging it. Will see how I feel tonight but I think it's safe to say I'm done for the day... After this morning w the purging and now I've got some healthy food in me so should be fine the rest of the day. My boyfriend is taking me to the shop to buy some food tonight so can stock up on veggies for soup and some other bits. Taking it easy today because I've been unwell, but need to get myself together soon.#5
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Posted 19 March 2021 - 06:41 AM
Thinking I am going to need to go back to fasting through the day and only eating once in the evening. When I was doing this I felt headachey and dizzy while fasting so much (combined w my already weird electrolytes from purging a lot) but it did help me avoid purging and I felt a lot more content with my intake.
Edit: ^ probably a good idea as I have purged and felt out of control eating (bingey but not a large amount of food) twice today. Just purged some chocolate and mini tiramisu - I can't eat things I'm not okay with keeping down. Purging needs to not be an option anymore because it's hurting my body so much.
Edit: ^ probably a good idea as I have purged and felt out of control eating (bingey but not a large amount of food) twice today. Just purged some chocolate and mini tiramisu - I can't eat things I'm not okay with keeping down. Purging needs to not be an option anymore because it's hurting my body so much.
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Posted 19 March 2021 - 08:10 AM
following, good luck! maybe try electrolyte drinks to get rid of the headache?
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Posted 19 March 2021 - 08:49 AM
stellstar, on 19 Mar 2021 - 08:10 AM, said:
following, good luck! maybe try electrolyte drinks to get rid of the headache?
Thank you!! <3 I've actually ran out last week so I think I'll have to stock up on them & some painkillers
#8
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Posted 20 March 2021 - 09:35 AM
20/03/21
Breakfast
Nothing
Lunch
Went for a walk w my bf and he got me a small soya chai latte from my fav Costa - it's always quiet and the baristas are so enthusiastic and always make the drinks really nicely!! Afterwards I went to the shop but bought a lemon cake bc it was discounted to £2 - of course ended up eating half of it and purging. Need to stop expecting myself to be able to eat that type of food - I regret the first bite and instantly decide to fill up on it just so that I can purge. I used to be so afraid of sugar, dairy and most carbs but at least it meant I wasn't purging them - just avoiding in the first place. Recording my days like this is making me realise that my ED has shifted into something that might be more like bulimia. I think that writing all of this down will help me figure out wtf is going on with me before my ED assessment. Post b/p chamomile tea in my new mug:
Again my face has instantly swollen up. Mostly under my jawline - the glands are the size of avocado stones. Hate this because I look so much worse. I've been at my lowest weight this year (other than maybe when I was 14/15) but my face looks chubbier than ever because it is puffy and swollen and shapeless. Back of my throat stings more than usual. Sipping more tea (roobois with honey and spiced fig)
Dinner
Purged red cabbage + something I'd never normally eat (which caused me to purge bc dairy ah): fancy aged cheddar mac & cheese that I bought because it was reduced from £6. Froze the other 2/3 of it. I think when I try to eat the rest of it I will have to have it as a side - can't deal w this amount of dairy. 
B/p again after this((
And again at 11.30pm because issues with bf. Feel so alone and small.
Breakfast
Nothing
Lunch
Went for a walk w my bf and he got me a small soya chai latte from my fav Costa - it's always quiet and the baristas are so enthusiastic and always make the drinks really nicely!! Afterwards I went to the shop but bought a lemon cake bc it was discounted to £2 - of course ended up eating half of it and purging. Need to stop expecting myself to be able to eat that type of food - I regret the first bite and instantly decide to fill up on it just so that I can purge. I used to be so afraid of sugar, dairy and most carbs but at least it meant I wasn't purging them - just avoiding in the first place. Recording my days like this is making me realise that my ED has shifted into something that might be more like bulimia. I think that writing all of this down will help me figure out wtf is going on with me before my ED assessment. Post b/p chamomile tea in my new mug:
Again my face has instantly swollen up. Mostly under my jawline - the glands are the size of avocado stones. Hate this because I look so much worse. I've been at my lowest weight this year (other than maybe when I was 14/15) but my face looks chubbier than ever because it is puffy and swollen and shapeless. Back of my throat stings more than usual. Sipping more tea (roobois with honey and spiced fig)
Dinner
Purged
red cabbage + something I'd never normally eat (which caused me to purge bc dairy ah): fancy aged cheddar mac & cheese that I bought because it was reduced from £6. Froze the other 2/3 of it. I think when I try to eat the rest of it I will have to have it as a side - can't deal w this amount of dairy. B/p again after this
((And again at 11.30pm because issues with bf. Feel so alone and small.
#9
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Posted 21 March 2021 - 09:25 AM
21/03/21
Breakfast
Lunch
Went to see some horses <3 then went to the shop and bought ingredients for black (rye) bread. Got home and b/p. Ate this slice of seeded sourdough w 100% peanuts pb and honey to keep down.
Dinner
Homemade pierogi <3 with potato salad. I didn't finish this.
I don't want tomorrow to be a day of purging again. I made some porridge with semolina, vanilla alpro and cinnamon - it was perfect! I hate waking up feeling hungry. When I was fasting during the day, I didn't have this same hunger in the morning and was happy not to eat. Now that I am eating again in the day, I keep doing stupid things and purging. Like I can't trust myself to eat sensibly - I have to just avoid food entirely or I end up purging repeatedly. I am so exhausted with this. At least I have ended the day on a good note keeping down some pierogi and porridge, and tomorrow I can wait until dinner to enjoy something substantial. I might have soup, sourdough and porridge.
Breakfast
Lunch
Went to see some horses <3 then went to the shop and bought ingredients for black (rye) bread. Got home and b/p. Ate this slice of seeded sourdough w 100% peanuts pb and honey to keep down.
Dinner
Homemade pierogi <3 with potato salad. I didn't finish this.
I don't want tomorrow to be a day of purging again. I made some porridge with semolina, vanilla alpro and cinnamon - it was perfect! I hate waking up feeling hungry. When I was fasting during the day, I didn't have this same hunger in the morning and was happy not to eat. Now that I am eating again in the day, I keep doing stupid things and purging. Like I can't trust myself to eat sensibly - I have to just avoid food entirely or I end up purging repeatedly. I am so exhausted with this. At least I have ended the day on a good note keeping down some pierogi and porridge, and tomorrow I can wait until dinner to enjoy something substantial. I might have soup, sourdough and porridge.
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#10
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Posted 21 March 2021 - 01:37 PM
New plan:
Fast until evening
Eat a substantial and comforting meal for dinner.
On some days I can have soup or porridge but generally will fast in the day to avoid b/p.
Fast until evening
Eat a substantial and comforting meal for dinner.
On some days I can have soup or porridge but generally will fast in the day to avoid b/p.
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Posted 22 March 2021 - 11:24 AM
That sounds like a very difficult situation (not only you aren't eating much but also you purge it) but I really really hope you're doing fine today and your plan will work!
(Btw pierogi are my favorite food - especially those with cabbage and mushrooms - they have the least calories of any pierogi's I know but anyway I don't eat them often as the dough is not so dietetic - it breaks my heart)
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Posted 22 March 2021 - 02:24 PM
Dark Thoughts, on 22 Mar 2021 - 11:24 AM, said:
That sounds like a very difficult situation (not only you aren't eating much but also you purge it) but I really really hope you're doing fine today and your plan will work!
(Btw pierogi are my favorite food - especially those with cabbage and mushrooms - they have the least calories of any pierogi's I know but anyway I don't eat them often as the dough is not so dietetic - it breaks my heart)
Thank you so much, today did actually go a lot better. I spent the day studying and preparing dinner (my boyfriend came round for dinner) so kept busy and didn't purge all day.
Ahh I love them too! <3 I made some with cheese and potato and some with buckwheat and mushrooms. I have a recipe for them with strawberries, honey and pistachios! Haven't tried but bet they are amazing.
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#13
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Posted 22 March 2021 - 02:37 PM
22/03/21
No breakfast/lunch
Dinner
Tonight's dinner was so good! I spent quite a long time preparing it but everything went well and it was worth it for a lovely meal with my partner. I made cabbage rolls stuffed with brown rice, onions and vegan meat, and a polish bigos inspired stew (my local shop didn't have any sauerkraut but I used lots of cabbage and vegan sausages). It was the nicest meal I've eaten in ages! We shared some sourdough to dip in the stew and I had two of yesterday's pierogi with some pickled red cabbage. I totally forgot to put the sauce over the cabbage rolls but was delicious still.
Made some cinnamon and semolina porridge with vanilla alpro <3 I can't believe how good this combination is!!
My stomach felt bad before eating this but now it really hurts - feels a lot like period pain? It could somehow be that, but I think my stomach is just really inflamed/irritated because of how much I've been purging in the last few weeks. Hopefully tomorrow can be like today. I keep worrying about needing to quickly lose before my appointment, but actually I'm really worried that I will be told to gain the weight back. I suppose that I can't be forced to do anything and that it's worth giving it my best effort.
No breakfast/lunch
Dinner
Tonight's dinner was so good! I spent quite a long time preparing it but everything went well and it was worth it for a lovely meal with my partner. I made cabbage rolls stuffed with brown rice, onions and vegan meat, and a polish bigos inspired stew (my local shop didn't have any sauerkraut but I used lots of cabbage and vegan sausages). It was the nicest meal I've eaten in ages! We shared some sourdough to dip in the stew and I had two of yesterday's pierogi with some pickled red cabbage. I totally forgot to put the sauce over the cabbage rolls but was delicious still.
Made some cinnamon and semolina porridge with vanilla alpro <3 I can't believe how good this combination is!!
My stomach felt bad before eating this but now it really hurts - feels a lot like period pain? It could somehow be that, but I think my stomach is just really inflamed/irritated because of how much I've been purging in the last few weeks. Hopefully tomorrow can be like today. I keep worrying about needing to quickly lose before my appointment, but actually I'm really worried that I will be told to gain the weight back. I suppose that I can't be forced to do anything and that it's worth giving it my best effort.
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Posted 23 March 2021 - 04:19 AM
23/03/21
Stupid me bought a bar of chocolate and b/p. That was seriously just me making stupid impulsive decisions - I know that I can't eat stuff like that without purging. At least it was not a lot and hopefully I can continue the rest of the day as if it didn't happen. It's frustrating because purging really exhausts me now and my body is constantly aching and sore. When I got out of bed this morning, the top of my thighs, right under my hips, were so stiff and achey that I kept stumbling and tripping over myself! I haven't walked much or worked out lately (I used to work out daily but with all this purging I just think it's going to do more damage). I think low potassium can affect muscles? Not sure. But I hate waking up feeling worse than when I went to bed. Slipped up w purging today but need to keep going and keep trying.
I haven't weighed myself in a while because I'm sure my weight hasn't changed but my body image is really bad lately. The bloating and swelling after keeping meals down recently has been insane - like 6 months pregnant rock solid uncomfortable stomach. My jeans are tight and all of my clothes look awkward on me because my body looks so weird and flabby. I know I'm being overly critical and I'm pretty sure that it is not as bad as I think, but it's difficult to get past. I just need to lose about 10lbs more, stop purging and be able to work out again.
Dinner:
Cabbage rolls
Thinking of having a mug of porridge this evening too.
Stupid me bought a bar of chocolate and b/p. That was seriously just me making stupid impulsive decisions - I know that I can't eat stuff like that without purging. At least it was not a lot and hopefully I can continue the rest of the day as if it didn't happen. It's frustrating because purging really exhausts me now and my body is constantly aching and sore. When I got out of bed this morning, the top of my thighs, right under my hips, were so stiff and achey that I kept stumbling and tripping over myself! I haven't walked much or worked out lately (I used to work out daily but with all this purging I just think it's going to do more damage). I think low potassium can affect muscles? Not sure. But I hate waking up feeling worse than when I went to bed. Slipped up w purging today but need to keep going and keep trying.
I haven't weighed myself in a while because I'm sure my weight hasn't changed but my body image is really bad lately. The bloating and swelling after keeping meals down recently has been insane - like 6 months pregnant rock solid uncomfortable stomach. My jeans are tight and all of my clothes look awkward on me because my body looks so weird and flabby. I know I'm being overly critical and I'm pretty sure that it is not as bad as I think, but it's difficult to get past. I just need to lose about 10lbs more, stop purging and be able to work out again.
Dinner:
Cabbage rolls
Thinking of having a mug of porridge this evening too.
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Posted 24 March 2021 - 01:13 PM
24/03/21
Today wasn't great - b/p three times. Aside from that I ate a slice of sourdough toast and two pierogis for dinner.
My partner's friends invited us round for drinks in a few weeks. Feel I need to be very strict with myself now to lose consistently until then. I haven't really seen anybody for months and want to look thinner. Realistically I can't lose a lot in that time I will have to just stick to very strict low cals and hope for the best.
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Today wasn't great - b/p three times. Aside from that I ate a slice of sourdough toast and two pierogis for dinner.
My partner's friends invited us round for drinks in a few weeks. Feel I need to be very strict with myself now to lose consistently until then. I haven't really seen anybody for months and want to look thinner. Realistically I can't lose a lot in that time
I will have to just stick to very strict low cals and hope for the best.Sent from my POT-LX1 using Tapatalk
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Posted 25 March 2021 - 08:34 AM
A few weeks is better than a few days! It is not enough for a big change but enough for some change (still better than nothing).
With your diet (I think) you already had to lose a lot of weight - maybe you're not noticing it but they will. By looking at your accountability, I guess that it is hardly possible for you to gain weight- especially with purging so much.
I hope that one day you will overcome your eating problems and will be happy to meet with friends - proud of your body and not worried about anything 
It might sound surreal now but I believe in you because you're a fighter!
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Posted 25 March 2021 - 10:14 AM
Dark Thoughts, on 25 Mar 2021 - 08:34 AM, said:
A few weeks is better than a few days! It is not enough for a big change but enough for some change (still better than nothing).
With your diet (I think) you already had to lose a lot of weight - maybe you're not noticing it but they will. By looking at your accountability, I guess that it is hardly possible for you to gain weight- especially with purging so much.
I hope that one day you will overcome your eating problems and will be happy to meet with friends - proud of your body and not worried about anything
Ah thank you, this honestly brightened up my day so much because I have been feeling awful about things lately and this was so uplifting to read <3 you're right, logically I must be losing or at least maintaining but I feel bigger..my body reacts quite badly when I actually keep food down lately so I think it must be bloating and swelling. Hoping that the next few weeks I can get myself together and cut out the purging and stick to my plan. Thank you soo much for your kind words, I really hope you are doing & feeling okay yourself <3
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Posted 25 March 2021 - 01:04 PM
25/03/21
Today was okay, I had some porridge in the day and didn't purge all day - except - my dinner. It was actually such a good meal and didn't want to purge, but I challenged myself with dairy and inevitably couldn't keep it down.
I made some black bread today and had some of that after purging my dinner. It was really good, but I think some water got in while steaming it because it is quite sticky, really similar to malt loaf.☺️
I also had a doctors appointment today, the doctor dealing with me now is really lovely and helpful. She even asked me if I could think of anything she could do to help me or support me while waiting for my assessment <3 she said that my bloods were okay but I have high urea and one of my proteins was low. She said that could be due to my diet and not eating enough generally. I think maybe the high urea is linked to dehydration? I've recently had kidney problems (infection, stones and sepsis) likely due to dehydration from purging. Need to drink more!!! Or just not purge. The doctor also said she was pleased I was accepted by the eating disorder treatment service because apparently their criteria is very strict because their treatment is quite intensive... Omg when she said that I was like oh god what have I signed up for... I am quite worried about it - my mind is totally wrapped up in my ED and it feels like the only thing that can help me manage stress and guilt and heart ache... If I stop taking my hurt out on myself, I'll have no where to put the pain... I feel like I'll just implode.. I don't know how I will even begin to recover when my mind isn't willing. I want to stop purging, and that's why I agreed to all of this, but I'm very afraid of being told what and when and how much to eat and to gain weight... God I feel huge as it is.
Today was okay, I had some porridge in the day and didn't purge all day - except - my dinner. It was actually such a good meal and didn't want to purge, but I challenged myself with dairy and inevitably couldn't keep it down.
I made some black bread today and had some of that after purging my dinner. It was really good, but I think some water got in while steaming it because it is quite sticky, really similar to malt loaf.☺️
I also had a doctors appointment today, the doctor dealing with me now is really lovely and helpful. She even asked me if I could think of anything she could do to help me or support me while waiting for my assessment <3 she said that my bloods were okay but I have high urea and one of my proteins was low. She said that could be due to my diet and not eating enough generally. I think maybe the high urea is linked to dehydration? I've recently had kidney problems (infection, stones and sepsis) likely due to dehydration from purging. Need to drink more!!! Or just not purge. The doctor also said she was pleased I was accepted by the eating disorder treatment service because apparently their criteria is very strict because their treatment is quite intensive... Omg when she said that I was like oh god what have I signed up for... I am quite worried about it - my mind is totally wrapped up in my ED and it feels like the only thing that can help me manage stress and guilt and heart ache... If I stop taking my hurt out on myself, I'll have no where to put the pain... I feel like I'll just implode.. I don't know how I will even begin to recover when my mind isn't willing. I want to stop purging, and that's why I agreed to all of this, but I'm very afraid of being told what and when and how much to eat and to gain weight... God I feel huge as it is.
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Posted 25 March 2021 - 01:46 PM
quasimodogirl, on 25 Mar 2021 - 1:14 PM, said:
Aww thank you so much, my food is so random at the minute trying not to waste everything I've made recently. How has today been for you?? It's so tough getting past it... I've been all over the place over the last few weeks. And aw haha I religiously take pics of my meals like even in front of people ffs and they just sit in my photo library most of the timethe food you post looks so beautiful! challenging myself to only bp one time today and you're giving me some needed motivation
I admire your commitment to documenting everything as well
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Posted 03 July 2021 - 01:44 AM
Yesterday was badddd food-wise and I guess general day-wise because I sat around being bored and procrastinating. I didn't get coffee until like 3pm and wow I am a little decrepid thing until I have my coffee I was literally just sitting around until then. 
Anyway I didn't eat any meals but ate an entire big family bag of cheesey jalapeรฑo crisps and some millionaire shortbread bites and some pastry twist things and by like 10pm I was SO bloated. Didn't purge because I convinced myself it probably didn't even go over my tdee (the crisps were like 750) and I ate them throughout the day so couldn't like purge one load; it'd just be a small amount of calories I'd get up in exchange for probably still bloated stomach and swollen fat face purging gives me. That's a big deterrent for me because I look so much worse with swollen glands under my chin. My bf touched my teeth the other day and was like ohh wow they're really rough.. And I realised they've probably lost enamel:( anyway after eating all that crap yesterday I have the most upset stomach but just moved into new house w new people so avoiding the bathroom
. My housemate walked into my room at like 10pm and I was eating crisps cos obviously didn't have meals I was just snacking all day and I was so embarrassed lol I tried to hide them and then I was like no and tried to embrace it but omg I hate being seen eating when it looks like I'm like secretly stuffing my face. Or like I eat crisps and junk all the time. I bought a reduced pizza and literally binned the whole thing bc couldn't bring myself to eat something like that in front of people or even have it seen in the fridge
jfc
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Anyway I didn't eat any meals but ate an entire big family bag of cheesey jalapeรฑo crisps and some millionaire shortbread bites and some pastry twist things and by like 10pm I was SO bloated. Didn't purge because I convinced myself it probably didn't even go over my tdee (the crisps were like 750) and I ate them throughout the day so couldn't like purge one load; it'd just be a small amount of calories I'd get up in exchange for probably still bloated stomach and swollen fat face purging gives me. That's a big deterrent for me because I look so much worse with swollen glands under my chin. My bf touched my teeth the other day and was like ohh wow they're really rough.. And I realised they've probably lost enamel:( anyway after eating all that crap yesterday I have the most upset stomach but just moved into new house w new people so avoiding the bathroom. My housemate walked into my room at like 10pm and I was eating crisps cos obviously didn't have meals I was just snacking all day and I was so embarrassed lol I tried to hide them and then I was like no and tried to embrace it but omg I hate being seen eating when it looks like I'm like secretly stuffing my face. Or like I eat crisps and junk all the time. I bought a reduced pizza and literally binned the whole thing bc couldn't bring myself to eat something like that in front of people or even have it seen in the fridge jfcSent from my POT-LX1 using Tapatalk
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Posted 05 July 2021 - 12:21 PM
After explaining why I didn't want to purge I did end up purging yesterday. I managed to keep down a vegan pizza that I ate at a cafe but then later ate some snacks like crisps and sugary stuff and couldn't deal w the greasiness and sugar so purged in like the five minutes that no one was next door to the bathroom to hear.
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#143
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Posted 05 July 2021 - 12:23 PM
Today I ate some crisps and chocolate and then for dinner I ate shredded iceberg lettuce w hummus and some jalapeรฑo sourdough with tomatoes and herbs kind of like bruschetta. I ate in front of my housemate which I always find so uncomfortable and like ruins the enjoyment in eating because I'm so self conscious about chewing, dropping food, making noise. I also had some baklava today. Had my covid jab and picked up some different food from a shop nearby.. I got the baklava, paprika crisps (I'm clearly on a crisp thing lol I go months without touching them and now I'm like neeeed saaalt), honey roasted peanuts in 300kcal portions (so glad they're in small bags because I'd totally b/p these if I got a big bag), pecans, yogurt coated berry things, loads of other little things I can't remember.
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Posted 07 July 2021 - 02:52 AM
OK I just purged nextdoor to my new housemate so really hoping she couldn't hear anything. It was really quiet but you could probably hear like me jamming my hand into my throat repeatedly which probably sounded a bit weird. I only really gag or cough if it's really hard to get up otherwise it just like plops out. I think my body is fucked lol.
I purged bc I ate four oreos but they were white chocolate covered so a lot more calories and so much sugar. I had a slice of tiger bread toast too with hummus and butter and tomatoes which was really good.
I'm really tired. I still haven't finished my uni work and like the year has definitely ended already. It's like this constant stress and worry and guilt about it but I also am too exhausted mentally and physically to actually care. It's been such constant stress and catching up since I was in hospital in November that I have no energy left.
I wanted to pick up noodles and dumplings today but I cancelled my order because I could just see myself being unable to eat it and feeling stressed about it and feeling guilty if I do manage to eat it. I didn't want to end up purging, but I have already anyway.
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I purged bc I ate four oreos but they were white chocolate covered so a lot more calories and so much sugar. I had a slice of tiger bread toast too with hummus and butter and tomatoes which was really good.
I'm really tired. I still haven't finished my uni work and like the year has definitely ended already. It's like this constant stress and worry and guilt about it but I also am too exhausted mentally and physically to actually care. It's been such constant stress and catching up since I was in hospital in November that I have no energy left.
I wanted to pick up noodles and dumplings today but I cancelled my order because I could just see myself being unable to eat it and feeling stressed about it and feeling guilty if I do manage to eat it. I didn't want to end up purging, but I have already anyway.
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#145
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Sage
Posted 07 July 2021 - 02:57 AM
There's also this group session I'm signed up to attend tonight. It's like the open group that I can join while waiting for actual treatment to start. They say you have to have your camera on and follow some rules which were like not mentioning numbers and stuff. I think people in that group have disordered eating concerns or body image issues but it's like anyone can attend you don't have to be diagnosed or in treatment.
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#146
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Posted 07 July 2021 - 11:11 AM
OK I didn't attend the group but I ate broccoli and peas and leeks and chicken in Japanese curry sauce instead. I just felt really ugly and uncomfortable about sitting in front of a camera having to be open about my eating disorder with strangers. 
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#147
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Posted 07 July 2021 - 12:48 PM
Just purged again because I was totally just mindlessly eating and binging tonight? Even after eating dinner I was just eating slices of toast and anything I could find. I couldn't keep it down but my housemate who's room is next to the bathroom literally had her door wide open and would have heard me in there for ten minutes washing my hands constantly and flushing twice afshfjf she prob thought I was shitting my guts out.
#148
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Sage
Posted 08 July 2021 - 01:57 AM
Had my porridge finally again for breakfast<3
17g cinnamon oats, 10g semolina, 100g vanilla alpro, 100ml almond/oat milk.
My stomach is messed up from eating crap and purging twice yesterday
so tired.
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17g cinnamon oats, 10g semolina, 100g vanilla alpro, 100ml almond/oat milk.
My stomach is messed up from eating crap and purging twice yesterday
so tired.Sent from my POT-LX1 using Tapatalk
#149
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Sage
Posted 08 July 2021 - 11:26 AM
Well I puked in the new bathroom AGAIN. I think my housemate must have heard. Hope she was oblivious. But basically I got this discounted bag from a coffee shop that all needed to be eaten soon including a wrap that was getting soggy so I had that for dinner. I pulled some of the filling out but still ate too much mozzarella to be able to keep it down and I also ate some of the cookies and purged.
My lunch today was really nice. It was some little bits of toast (cheddar and jalapeรฑo bread) with avocado and a fried egg.
Edit: don't think my housemate knows. I baked some bread and she was really happy about it and had some<3
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My lunch today was really nice. It was some little bits of toast (cheddar and jalapeรฑo bread) with avocado and a fried egg.
Edit: don't think my housemate knows. I baked some bread and she was really happy about it and had some<3
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#150
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Sage
Posted 15 November 2021 - 04:28 PM
I haven't posted in months. I've been in treatment and still am. I've made a lot of progress with purging and food phobias, so that's a huge relief, but I struggle every day to force meals down. I don't feel like I deserve to eat. Not the amount that I'm supposedly meant to. I find it stressful cooking or eating with housemates around and ordering food with friends. I get so worried and freeze up and can't bring myself to do it. Somebody spread a rumour within my friend group that I'm bulimic and now everyone gives me knowing looks and one girl took me aside and told me I'm troubled but beautiful lol absolutely bizarre and humiliating and I'm not even bulimic to begin with. I don't look anorexic anymore either. So being unable to order food and crying at the table is like mortifying. I rarely purge now though. Like I often go three or four weeks without purging. I think that's also enabled me to try to challenge some of my fear of certain foods. I have been able to eat and keep down yogurt, a cheese toastie, the other day I forgot to ask for oat milk in a brandy hot chocolate and panicked and froze up but I managed to drink half of it because it was so expensive and actually it tasted amazing but the idea of ingesting milk scares me so much. But I did it and kept it down. My boyfriend had been cheating on me for at least half of our relationship. I don't think he actually did anything physical but he had a tinder account. I found out before I was supposed to make a sandwich on zoom with the therapist. And then I had a review with the doctor after so I was just crying throughout the calls. It was a few weeks ago and we're still together. I didn't think I'd stay with a cheater but I have. Things are better now we've had to talk through everything but it obviously set me way back and undid any psychological progress and I fasted for several days when it happened. When anything hurts me all I want to do is take it out on myself or make my body perfect. Like my version of perfect not even anybody else's. I feel like I'm in such a rut. I'm so miserable but trying so hard. I wish I could sleep through the days.
#151
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Posted 07 February 2022 - 01:10 PM
Hi! Long time no see. I hope you're doing fine this year '22!
Sorry to hear about your boyfriend - the Tinder issue really sucks. I really hope it's fine now.
Oh plus the treatment: is it better now? The last post is from November so I wonder how you're feeling currently.
Wishing you all the best <3
#152
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Sage
Posted Today, 06:40 AM
LunarDragonfly, on 07 Feb 2022 - 1:10 PM, said:
Hi! Long time no see. I hope you're doing fine this year '22!
Sorry to hear about your boyfriend - the Tinder issue really sucks. I really hope it's fine now.
Oh plus the treatment: is it better now? The last post is from November so I wonder how you're feeling currently.
Wishing you all the best <3
I've only just logged in and seen this, I wonder if you're still about on here? How have you been doing? I really hope you've been OK. Thank you for your kind words, I'm sorry I missed this! I finished treatment in February, and I'm definitely doing better, because I'm not purging - I haven't since Christmas day - which is a huge relief. Treatment/therapy was really beneficial and it did help me try to challenge some of my self criticism & perfectionism, but I never really got there mentally, and I struggle with fasting a lot still (thank god not purging anymore though). In December I got two baby bunnies and they have literally added so much to my life & I eat at least one or two meals a day with them. Xxx
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