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whore extraordinaire
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Posted 26 June 2022 - 06:44 PM
–––––––– 26 JUNE 2022
cw: i asked my partner to hide my scale so i won't be weighing for now
intake:
green smoothie
iced matcha latte
avo egg toast + almond butter honey toast
roasted veggie bowl
total: 953 calories – 101g carb, 38g fat, 58g protein
still not really doing well mentally but i'm attempting to harm reduce through med/high restriction. i've also quit caffeine in an attempt to get my anxiety in control. i apologize in advance if i won't be as engaging/interactive here. i'm dealing with a lot of conflicting feelings regarding recovery and i'm trying to work through it.
full disclosure – i've been meeting with a therapist for the past few months. we're not exactly focusing on my eating disorder rather decades of unresolved trauma that could've led me here. there are some days i feel that recovery is possible and within reach but there are more days when it seems impossible and i'm falling back into relapse. i'm not really quite sure where i stand. my therapist constantly reassures me that recovery isn't linear and relapses here and there are normal.
it's been exhausting. the back and forth is draining me mentally. but i suppose nothing compares to the exhaustion i felt when i would be deep into my relapses with no support or professional help. i have to keep reminding myself that it will all be worth it in the end. i just have to muddle through a lot of shit before i get there.
xo
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#23 
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whore extraordinaire
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Posted 30 June 2022 - 05:10 PM
–––––––– 30 JUNE 2022
cw: ---
intake:
rx vanilla almond bar
chimichurri cod
vadouvan sweet potato
cilantro lime cauliflower rice
waterloo watermelon
i'm fucking struggling.
i look and feel disgusting.
i want to will get back down to double digits.
i don't want to recover.
at least not now anyway.
xo
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#24
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whore extraordinaire
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Posted 04 July 2022 - 05:03 PM
––––––––– 4 JULY 2022
cw: ---
intake:
iced matcha latte
green smoothie
avocado toast with egg
shrimp tacos on jicama wraps
chocolate fudge frozen greek yogurt bar
total: 650 calories – 76g carbs, 20g fat, 43g protein
consistently inconsistent. love that for me.
i'm trying my best to update daily but the days slip by me.
went to the pool this weekend and felt like an absolute whale.
didn't help either that i wore the skimpiest bikini set i own.
but hey, i did this to myself by attempting recover lol.
it's kinda killing me that my weight is unknown at the moment.
i mean, i could try to find where my partner hid the scale,
but it's probably for the best that my weight remains a mystery.
i tend to get discouraged and triggered when i weigh-in anyways.
not really following any diet or any sort of plans at the moment.
just trying my best to stick to 700 calories or under.
i still plan on increasing my calories to maintenance
when i reach my goal weight, and i will do it gradually.
i'm really tired of low/med restriction but it the only thing
that satisfies my instant gratification tendencies.
xo
#25
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whore extraordinaire
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Posted 10 July 2022 - 03:20 PM
–––––––– 10 JULY 2022
cw: ---
intake:
cold brew + caramel nutpods [25]
rx chocolate sea salt bar [210]
custom sweetgreen salad [385]
(arugula + spring mix base, blackened chicken,
hot roasted sweet potatoes, spicy broccoli,
lime cilantro jalapeno vinaigrette dressing)
total: 620 calories – 43g carbs, 34g fat, 36g protein
god i really wanna find my scale.
but i'm not really in the mood for another mental breakdown, lol.
would be nice to know what my starting weight is though.
oh yeah, i'm attempting whole30 again.
i just can't stand this body anymore.
i loved being in the double digits and being so close to 90 lbs.
i also have a couple of social events next month
that i want need to be skinny for.
my therapist will be so disappointed in me, lmao.
but we can talk about literally anything else.
i have at least 2 decades of trauma to unpack,
this dumb ass eating disorder is the least of my worries.
xo
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#26
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whore extraordinaire
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Posted 11 July 2022 - 04:15 PM
–––––––– 11 JULY 2022
cw: ---
intake:
cold brew with almond milk + caramel nutpods [50]
spinach + banana smoothie [150]
albacore tuna green goddess salad [250]
chicken fajita cauliflower bowl [257]
total: 706 calories – 61g carbs, 25g fat, 61g protein
so i blew off my therapist today, lol.
recovery, who?
fuck me.
maybe i was ashamed to admit to her that i'm full on relapsing.
if that's the case then i definitely didn't wanna talk about it with her.
i don't even know if i want to continue therapy, tbh.
she's great and all but i'm just not ready for serious recovery.
what a shame. for a moment, it seemed like it was possible.
well anyway, i deep cleaned the house today.
(definitely wasn't trying to find where my scale is. no way.)
that's therapeutic, right?
xo
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#27
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whore extraordinaire
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Posted Today, 04:41 PM
–––––––– 17 JULY 2022
cw: 113.21 lbs, BMI 20.7
i stayed with my parents over the weekend so whole30 is out the window.
and i was finally able to weigh myself yesterday with their scale.
i'm currently sitting at 113.2 lbs, almost BMI 21.
lmao. this is what i get. i deserve this for slacking off.
i mean, some of it is definitely food weight but still,
the reality of it makes my fat ass stomach drop to the floor.
i'm literally disgusting. i disgust myself.
all my hard work – gone.
i broke it off with my therapist because fuck recovery right now.
and i don't even care about following any diet anymore.
if i could just stay under 500 calories, eating minimally processed foods,
i'm sure i can trigger and fast track this weight loss.
i think it'd be helpful if i made small weight goals. maybe in 5 lbs increments.
first goal will be 110 lbs, then 105 lbs, then 100 lbs.
(i still need to search the house for my goddamn scale...)
i also need to accept the fact that i won't be double digits for the rest of the summer.
that's my punishment.
but hey, at least i can aim to be double digits by my birthday.
also,
sorry for those who are following this failure of an accountability, lol.
this will be the last depressing, self-loathing content.
98 lbs back in april.
i'll get here again.
then go even lower.
operation hot bitch is in effect.
xo
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