Choco_Bitch_612 
8
서울의 잠 못 이루는 밤 // sleepless in seoul 🌃 gw 46 kg
#21 
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Posted 11 September 2020 - 07:11 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １２
Calories eaten: 1519
Calories burned: 1810*
End result: -291
* I count all burned calories which means my basal metabolic rate plus exercise.
I'm so happy I can finally just go to sleep
#22
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Posted 12 September 2020 - 02:29 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １２
I guess I truly was very tired yesterday! I didn't have energy to write it but the one hour walk was the only thing I did yesterday and then some house tasks. Other than that I was just sleeping and dozing off the whole day and I even got a bit worried and thought I might be really sick.
Then I slept for ten hours without waking up and that is very strange for me because I usually always wake up and go to the bathroom at least once during the night. I woke up feeling rested and refreshed and so today I have felt like I am getting back to my normal self.
I still have undisclosed feelings and fears but I do feel happiness today. Maybe I was indeed eating too little and then when I ate more it was always junk. Yesterday I ate over 1500 calories of healthy foods and I feel so much better now! No lack of energy, mood feels stabile and I see hope in my future.
Soon I will meet my friend and I know we will have so much fun together! It has been a while since we met as a group so I'm very excited 
Everyone have a great weekend!
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#23
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Posted 14 September 2020 - 03:26 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １４
I have not been counting calories on Saturday or Sunday and yesterday I also binged some cheese pizza, purged it, waited for a while and did same thing again?! But despite yesterday I feel mentally so much better I did before weekend!
I feel very refreshed and it was very needed to take some time off from everything stressful and hectic and create our own little calm universe. I met my friends in both weekend days and didn't get much sleep but it's okay. When I was looking at my friends when they were getting ready on Saturday I felt so much joy and gratefulness it almost made me cry a little. It felt so good to take silly pictures and bad Polaroids and laugh so much that we were just rolling on the floor.
During the weekend I was constantly having this feeling of "life is so beautiful" and today too has been quite an easy day. Mainly because I have just been avoiding life I guess ha ha. I went to my school to few classes and then I have also eaten.... Not so well, I admit that.
But I still feel super excited about this week and big reason is something I did not even remember: the gym in my apartment building opened today and I'm going to start going there at least every other day! The reason why I am excited about because last week I started noticing that even though my weight is going down my body is looking more and more flabby because I don't get more muscle definition.
I don't know if anyone who reads this follows 나나 Nanasserie on YouTube but I love her body so much and that is definitely my goal! I don't know if I can achieve that but I want to at least try. She is very thin and effortlessly small but you can also tell that she does work out.
Right now my stomach is very dough like and even though I do have abs they can not be seen at all. My body is so strange because I hold on to a lot of fat even when my weight goes lower. For many people their bodies become more lean looking as they lose weight but I have noticed that for me I become looking even more flabby and soft because I actually lose my definition and the fat in my body becomes more visible.
I have felt so lonely with this type of body and I have not found anyone else who is like this. People point out thin people and call them skinny fat but to me those people do look way more defined and toned than I do and it worries me a lot! For a long time this is also something I have wanted to just push behind and not think about it too much. But I think now this year I have realised that I am only constantly getting older and older and if I don't do something now it will be even more difficult to change this in the future.
Still I worry about not losing weight in numbers. Isn't it kind of stupid? Especially because during just two weeks of weight loss I have started to like my body less and less because now it is becoming more flabby and doughy. My butt looks so sad and I wish it would be round and not like a saggy pancake. 
So me and my mom will start working with personal trainers from tomorrow onwards and I hope it will help me to change my body to actually thin and skinny! This is such an unfortunate body type to have but...... I just have to get up and do something about it then. Closing my eyes and just walking and eating either too little or tons of junk will only make me hate my physical appearance more. And I guess I will still lose weight, right......?
I have so many thoughts inside my head as you can see so I think I will end this post now (^^; )ゞ
My goals for this week are:
° Every morning take time to think about everything I am grateful for
° Eat 1100-1200 calories of healthy foods each day
° Go to the gym 4 times
° Study hard every single day!
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#24
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Posted 14 September 2020 - 05:02 AM
I am so happy you were able to spend that time with your friends! Your goals are very smart. Keep motivated with the gym, it takes time to see results but they will come
#25
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Posted 14 September 2020 - 06:14 AM
toluidine1, on 14 Sept 2020 - 05:02 AM, said:
I am so happy you were able to spend that time with your friends! Your goals are very smart. Keep motivated with the gym, it takes time to see results but they will come
Thank you for your words and that is definitely something I need to keep in my mind! I like quick results but I have to remember that the quick results mean doughy body but quick change on the scale. But I think gym and proper exercising is going to eventually give me the exact results I want but just no quick fixes on the scale. So this will surely be a journey to being more patient as well!
#26
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Posted 14 September 2020 - 06:31 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １４
Calories eaten: 1455
Calories burned: 1801*
End result: -346
* I count all burned calories which means my basal metabolic rate plus exercise.
I tried so hard to exercise more but I felt so nauseated and when I started gagging I had to stop ㅠㅠㅠㅠ This is what eating badly for three days does! But even still.... I highly recommend tteokbokki with cheese and sweet potato from Sinsadong Tteokbokki. It is so goooood! But I know after today I will not be craving for tteokbokki for a while now and tomorrow I will be craving fresh and clean foods only for sure!
#27
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Posted 15 September 2020 - 12:43 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １５
Ugh, this was probably the worst day to actually get the starting weight because although my measurements have not changed by much my weight is now 54.5 kg due to bloating (;;;・_・) Of course my skin looks very bad as well and over all my mood is very low......
Last night I woke up at around 2 in the morning and I was stressing about everything. I managed to fall asleep at around 5 o'clock and woke up three hours later. I should study but all I can think about is my horrible weight.... I feel so hopeless right now. I always fail with weight loss and it is very frustrating. I always battle with urges to binge. Will it ever end?
We never have any unhealthy foods at home and I am always so shocked when I see that other families have pizza and French fries in their freezers all the time. My family would just eat all the junk until there is nothing left. But especially these days it is just so easy to order foods online and the delivery is very quick.
It is very confusing because at the same time I want to be free from thinking about food and my body too much but I also know that if I don't keep counting calories and write here I will just binge and keep in gaining weight. So I do have to think about these things in order to make the change.
Why is everything so difficult and stressful again ㅠㅠ
#28
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Posted 15 September 2020 - 08:20 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １５
{Yoghurt with chocolate protein powder, banana, goji berries and cinnamon}
Calories eaten: 1096
Calories burned: 1679*
End result: -583
* I count all burned calories which means my basal metabolic rate plus exercise.
Yet another day when I have been feeling extremely tired and it got me thinking that I might have iron deficiency again. For some strange reason it seems to happen around this time so I started taking iron supplements again and I hope it will work!
I have not studied more than done the bare necessities because I have had difficulties keeping my eyes opened. If anyone has any other suggestions I would love to hear them because I am getting kind of worried about my health and energy levels (〒〒)
I have the proper plan now when it comes to food and exercising but I am worried I won't be able to do it because I'm just always tired. And I am usually never tired! I am usually very energetic and happy and bubbly and now I feel like within maybe three weeks I have changed so much in a negative way.....
Oh well, time to go to sleep.... Oh, and I should point out that I do get 8-10 hours of sleep per night so it should be enough (≥=≤) I hope this will end soon and I will become energetic and happy again!
#29
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Posted 16 September 2020 - 12:57 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １６
So about this constant tiredness...... Today I have been writing down how I am feeling and noticed that the common cause of my energy levels going from 100 to zero has been eating solid foods. No difference what the solid foods are that I eat. I told about this to my PT and she recommended that I would be on a liquid diet for at least few days and see how I feel like after that!
I feel very relieved I found this out because I can not deal with these energy drops anymore ┻━┻ ヘ╰( •̀ε•́ ╰) Today I was so energetic before my breakfast and I felt motivated, happy, just so good and free. And then I ate breakfast and around 10-15 minutes after eating I started to get tired and 30 minutes after eating I was literally in bed and I didn't have energy to even keep my eyes opened.
Now I know that this tiredness is most likely caused by my digestive system being damaged by the foods I have been eating and also stress. I have been having some issues with acid reflux as well so clearly my system is not very good right now. Also, while my main meal is usually just vegetables, the amount of food I eat at once is so big that it is still difficult for my body to digest. (The size of the meal is about two carrots, 20 grams of soy crumbs which is measured before soaking, 20 grams of chickpeas, 10 grams of onion, 20 grams of lentils and around 2 decilitres of broth)
My parents are so sweet they have agreed to join me, even my father who works such long hours ❤ They too have been worried because I have been so tired and quiet. My plan is to be on the liquid diet for the rest of the week starting from this moment but if my parents feel like it they can skip the weekend.
I'm very excited about this to be honest! I am very ready to be healed ✿
#30
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Posted 17 September 2020 - 08:03 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １７
Calories eaten: 544
Calories burned: 1739*
End result: -1195
* I count all burned calories which means my basal metabolic rate plus exercise.
No picture because I just want to update very quickly! Today has been a very emotional day in a positive way and I cannot believe for the first time in many, many weeks I have not felt tired at all!! I have not felt hunger, I feel like the dots are connecting inside my head and things are starting to become very clear. Today when I was doing research and just opening up to this "old new" lifestyle and possibility I felt like something hit the right place.
It will not be easy but I feel like I am ready to do this now. I have tried before and I have failed because it has felt inconvenient. But how will I ever get anything out of my life if I am lazy and let laziness guide me instead my true me?
Over the place thoughts for the night I will write more tomorrow!
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#31
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Posted 18 September 2020 - 12:55 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １８
Second day of not feeling tired!!!! I am so happy and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have felt a true reconnection to my physical being and that connection also made me realize that I really, sincerely want to take the final step of faith and......
...... I will finally start eating only plant based foods!
This change will not be extreme to me though. My stomach gets upset because of dairy which is why I have been limiting my dairy intake for the past five years. Also, I have not been eating meat more than maximum few times in a month during the past three years. After eating meat in one meal I usually feel repulsed by meat for the rest of the month.
Now, the reason why I have not taken the last step has just been that it has not been inconvenient at many times and I have also been struggling with getting enough protein. There are a lot of sauces that contain especially sea creatures (I don't know how else to describe this, sorry for this weird choice of words
) so that will be a difficult thing. I think that is why many choose to rather be vegetarians and not vegans here in Korea.But it is not impossible, I know it! I just need a good system and tons of life hacks that help when I am feeling overwhelmed, tired, busy or just feeling like everything in my life is too difficult. I already have tons of recipes I want to try out after I finish this fast and I have also ordered many essentials I will be needing. I already have vegan protein powder in two flavours - chocolate and vanilla - so that was not needed for now. I will be implementing those in smoothies because I am not okay with the textures of them if I just try to mix them with water, soy or oat milk.
The weirdest thing about all of this is that I am not even super excited or hyper. I feel very calm and aligned and almost like..... Do you know the feeling when you walk somewhere and you feel like that place is your home so you get filled with calmness and serenity? Or you look at a view you love and feel super connected to? I guess big part of that is because I will not be jumping to a totally new and unknown but this is more about taking the final steps. Or I guess more like being in a room and finally closing the door behind me. The same door I have been keeping opened for years "just in case".
But I don't want to have any unnecessary habits "just in case". I deserve only the best!
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#32
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Posted 19 September 2020 - 10:45 PM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １８
Calories eaten: 694
Calories burned: 1641*
End result: -947
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ １９
Calories eaten: 1213
Calories burned: 2035*
End result: -822
* I count all burned calories which means my basal metabolic rate plus exercise.
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ ２０
Weekend is not even over yet and I feel so much happiness about these past few days. To be honest, I have not had much time to collect my thoughts regarding my transitioning but it has been so good to not think too much about anything! I have had so much fun with my friends, the weather has been sunny and beautiful, it is really starting to feel like autumn and my fasting has been going super well!
My body has certainly needed this break and I feel physically like I am a whole new person now. It is amazing how such a small thing like liquid foods can change your body and mind. I am thinking about maybe changing the title of this accountability to something else than sleepless in Seoul or Seoul's sleepless nights but I am not sure yet.
I am sorry that this accountability is currently kind of all over the place but please bear with me! I will make this more cohesive soon! (・_・; )
#33
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Posted 20 September 2020 - 07:22 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ ２０
Calories eaten: 1540
Calories burned: 1601
End result: -61
Today has been a nice and simple day and I have just been lazy and planning next week. I have set myself a goal of trying a new vegan recipe every week as well focus on one habit each week and write about how I have felt about that habit when the week over. So here is this week's habit log!
════ Weekly habit ════
Habit of this week has been gratitude.
Every morning immediately after waking up I have been thinking about ten things in my life that make me feel happy and content. This used to be very difficult to me but these days I could easily come up with more than ten things every day! In the evening before I fall asleep I take a quick look of the day I had and think about what were the best things that happened or didn't happen.
Will I continue to engage in this habit? Definitely yes! But I think from tomorrow onwards I will do five things I am grateful for so that the things I come up with are as fresh as possible and especially on bad days I will not be feeling to overwhelmed to try to come up with ten things.
══════════════
I hope that who ever is reading this had amazing and relaxing weekend and even if you did not I hope you will find some time to calm down and gather your thoughts! No matter what you are going through just remember that you are not alone ❤
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#34
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Posted 21 September 2020 - 06:21 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ ２１
Calories eaten: 1250
Calories burned: 1890
End result: -640
Today has been such a good day! I have cleaned our entire apartment, studied, exercised and ate mainly healthy foods. I did have some "French fries" with spices and vegan mayonnaise which I also spiced up a little bit. But I wanted to use the rest of the potatoes we had before making new meals so I guess it is okay!
I also worked out and today's gym exercise was upper body, arms and abs. I was also realising how much it honestly changes things when you learn to breathe properly when doing the movements. I managed to get through the exercises way easier just because I was breathing properly and systematically. So I am definitely happy about working out with PT!
As you might have noticed I have not been able to take my weight lately. I know I have gained a little bit but I also think that it is okay for now because I have not felt good this month until the end of last week when I started the fat. But I know it will be going down anyway! For now getting minus calories on most of my days, eating healthy and vegan foods and going to the gym are my priorities
I hope your week started well and if not, don't worry! One out of seven days is not too bad and you still have six more days time to kick some good energy into your life! ❤
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#35
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Posted 22 September 2020 - 07:20 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ ２２
Calories eaten: 1365
Calories burned: 1934
End result: -569
Today has been such an amazing day! At first I was worried I would have to go back to fasting again because my energy levels dropped super quickly around 11 am and the tiredness continued to around 2 pm. But after that my energy levels and mood got up and I got few needed things from the stores, enjoyed the beautiful fall weather and exercised!
Last evening happened something very strange though and I am nervous it will happen this night as well..... When I calmed down to my bed there was this strange feeling that started from waves of small discomfort around lower belly and back. The waves happened first within around ten minutes from each other but as the discomfort turned to pain the time between the waves shortened.
It didn't matter what position I had and the waves could be postponed only by standing up but as soon as I came back on my bed the wave happened. I was going through everything I ate yesterday because previously these types of things have happened when I have had something too spicy and it needs to be specific type of spicy sauce or paste.
But since I didn't have anything unusual yesterday I got very confused and worried. But at one point I realized a weird thing: when the wave started I would breathe very slowly and calmly and it would actually make the wave stop and fade away! After I realized this I think it took about 20 minutes before I feel asleep so I think the pain stopped. This breathing technique didn't work though if I was breathing like that the whole time so when I felt normal I had to breathe normally and the very calm and feel breathing was only for when the wave started.
Has anyone else experienced anything similar? •-•;
Oh, I forgot to write yesterday that my this week's habit is doing 10 minutes of meditation every morning before anything else! We will see how this changes or doesn't change my mornings.
#36
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Posted 23 September 2020 - 06:52 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ ２３
{Mango smoothie with vegan protein powder and oat milk and chia seeds}
Calories eaten: 1431
Calories burned: 1873
End result: -442
I have definitely experienced some mood swings today! I woke up in the middle of the night without any reason and my joints felt so swollen and painful. Needless to say I felt horrible and I was so sure I would not fall asleep again but luckily I did! And when I woke up next time all the awful sensations were gone.
I am not happy that I did not get as much done as I was supposed to. I ended up spending so much time on a project I ended up ditching anyway because I just didn't feel like I could ever get the end result I was looking forward to. So then that is almost all I did and then some exercising.
This means that tomorrow I have to only focus on the tasks I did not finish today!!! I also felt slightly sad and hopeless at one point during the day but it luckily passed. I felt like I just wanted to binge today and fast on Tuesday and Friday. But luckily I just decided to eat a little bit more healthy foods and it worked very well.
One new day of not falling to my old habits but creating new and healthy ones!
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#37
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Posted 23 September 2020 - 07:13 AM
following~
your food photos are giving me mega meal envy! also you seem like a such a sweet person and i wish the best for you. i also thought it was quite cute to censor your belly button with stickers lmao, very clever
keep it up, everything will work out <3
#38
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Posted 23 September 2020 - 09:18 PM
wonho, on 23 Sept 2020 - 07:13 AM, said:
Oh my, thank you so much for your sweet words!following~
your food photos are giving me mega meal envy! also you seem like a such a sweet person and i wish the best for you. i also thought it was quite cute to censor your belly button with stickers lmao, very clever
keep it up, everything will work out <3
❤ Ha ha, I hope one day I won't have to hide my belly button because right now it just makes m tummy look super doughy and gross #39
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Posted 24 September 2020 - 07:49 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ ２４
Calories eaten: 1331
Calories burned: 1786
End result: -455
Some body pictures for today's pics! I don't see much difference in my stomach when I don't have a nice shadow thing going on. (´-﹏-`；) Despite that my stomach does feel more hard so the abs are in making! But my thigs have really made me amazed today and I have not even noticed the change until today!! When I was working out today I looked down during twist ab exercise and dare I say.... I kind of liked what I saw ㅎㅎㅎㅎ.
Today in general has been an awesome day! Just after 8 days at gym we needed to already go for more reps for ab and lower body exercises because my body makes progress so quickly. We kept the upper body reps the same so my shoulders will not get too stiff and painful. I have done everything I was supposed to do today, weather has been beautiful and I also think eating over 1000 calories daily is very beneficial to me and at least right now it does not make me gain or bloat.
I think that is all for today and I hope tomorrow will be just as awesome as today was! Life is dynamite ✿
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#40
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Posted 27 September 2020 - 08:57 AM
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ ２５
Calories eaten: 1077
Calories burned: 1858
End result: -781
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ ２６
Calories eaten: 1828
Calories burned: 1914
End result: -86
ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ ２７
Calories eaten: 1777
Calories burned: 1590
End result: +187
This weekend has been full of amazing experiences, new memories to look back to and lots of laughter and funny moments! I was just spending time with my friends and family and yesterday I was sitting around Banpo bridge just looking at the beautiful evening and night, breathing and being alive. It got me thinking about how so many think that we have to move in the middle of nowhere in order to be calm and aligned. For me it is very meditative to just look at the Seoul nights.
I cannot even put it into words how happy I am here. I especially love Banpo bridge area and I am so privileged to be able to walk ten minutes from there to home. To me early mornings and evenings in the city are what calm me down, bring simple joy and make me feel connected to the world.
════ Weekly habit ════
Habit of this week has been 10 minutes of meditation every morning.
Every morning after waking up I have taken time to meditate and repeat some calming and healing affirmations. At first I found it quite difficult to stay in the moment and I tried to use that ten minutes to organise my day and create to do lists. But the affirmations helped to stay in the moment and eventually every morning I was able to repeat the affirmations less and less before I got into the meditation state and my mind was empty!
Will I continue to engage in this habit? Yes!!! This amazing thing and ten minutes is such a small time period to spend on such an important thing. I feel like the days go so much smoother and better when I start my days in as calm way as possible.
══════════════
Tomorrow I think I will either fast with protein smoothies and soups or then do liquids and have one solid meal in the evening. But we'll see how I feel in the morning! I cannot believe September is almost over..... I also cannot believe that the pre-ordering for Bangtan's new album will start tomorrow. I am so not ready ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
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