thinspo

Amber_petite_fawn · 2023-03-09T01:28:05-0900

Gained a lot of weight recently 😓 and I’m too afraid to check myself on the scale … what bmi do you think I look like?
please send honest responses I have such mixed feelings and feel huge aaaa
Thank you sending my love xxx 💘🐇🪺

Amber_petite_fawn · 2023-03-09T02:43:52-0900

Bump xx

Scáthfuath · 2023-03-09T03:24:04-0900

You are incredibly tiny. I'm not very good at guessing bmis this low. But definitely below 12. And most likely below 10.

I hope you can try to take care of yourself a bit.

foreigngirl · 2023-03-09T04:04:48-0900

You look like a bmi 10, extremely emaciated...

reciled · 2023-03-09T04:38:44-0900

greenfairy · 2023-03-09T04:42:17-0900

im not saying this to trigger you and be mean, but you look really really emanciated, you look very sick love

my heart breaks for you, please take care and try to be kind to yourself, you deserve that and you deserve to eat

Amber_petite_fawn · 2023-03-09T08:33:38-0900

I’m really not that low … I can’t believe what you have all said ): perhaps these photos made me look thinner than I really am… idk ❤‍🩹

greenfairy · 2023-03-09T08:42:06-0900

Amber_petite_fawn said:
I’m really not that low … I can’t believe what you have all said ): perhaps these photos made me look thinner than I really am… idk ❤‍🩹

sorry babe but body dysmorphia is a bitch, you really really are boney and really thin

Amber_petite_fawn · 2023-03-09T11:22:00-0900

I’m actually around a bmi 14 I think

Prettyprettypretty · 2023-03-09T11:37:55-0900

12-13 !

VeraShipsNaLu · 2023-03-09T16:44:53-0900

Amber_petite_fawn said:
I’m actually around a bmi 14 I think

Wait really? I thought 11 for sure.

Hiraeth_ · Oct 19, 2017

Y'all, I'm doing wonderful at the moment! Always body checking, hopping on the scale 20 times a day, I'm totally not getting taken over by my ED, nope nope

So I decided to just dump all my body checks here
I'll probably regret this, because you're all tiny as fuck and then I'm here like... Hi
Excuse me in advance. I'm really trying to lose more weight and tone up a bit, so I hope you won't be too bothered.

------
Stats: 1.68m
19 years

19/11/18: 40,4 kg
CBMI: 14

04/01/2020: 37.3 kg
CBMI: 13.2

I hate it that my stomach is still so soft and flabby and fatty. Part of me wants to take the 'easy' route and fast until the fat comes off, but part of me knows the better option would be to eat protein and work out my abdomen. But fuck, actually keeping foods down is scary.

My idea of "breakfast in bed"

View attachment 636362

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Hiraeth_ · Oct 19, 2017

I couldn't choose between these two, so I'm just gonna drop em both. I love the fact that my spine is becoming visible again, although it's still covered in fat.

View attachment 636826

And I swear I have a thing for fragile arms!

I've always LOVED how dainty, delicate and fragile ballerina's look because of their petite limbs, and their small, bony, tiny arms. I just searched for my #1 ballerina thinspo of all times on Google and I think it's pretty ironic that the first place I find it on is on MPA :') It's this picture, by the way. I hope my arms will get as skinny as hers soon:

My chest bones are starting to become visible so cheers to that

And a quick blurry thigh-gap picture because you gotta check if it's still there you know, you never know, they might *poof* be gone after the next binge

Hell that'd be a nightmare...

I'm feeling so low about myself today because I still got 5 kilos to go till 36 kg, and I need to fast but I'm a fat fuck who keeps eating. I disgust myself.
Thinking about self medicating myself through autumn break so I won't b/p.

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Balletbeautiful · Oct 19, 2017

You are lovely but very thin- please stay safe. Also, feel free to not respond if it's too personal but what do you use to self-medicate?

Hiraeth_ · Oct 19, 2017

Balletbeautiful said:
You are lovely but very thin- please stay safe. Also, feel free to not respond if it's too personal but what do you use to self-medicate?

Hi darling, will do

I use heaps of medicines for physical problems, but I thought about using either clonazepam + melatonin to stay asleep, or ritalin and topiramate to avoid binging. But please don't take medicines on your own; I'm always tempted to overdose.

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Hiraeth_ · Oct 20, 2017

20/10: 40,9 kg. BMI 14.7.
Off to school, last day before autumn break

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Olympia1 · Oct 20, 2017

you have my goal legs , really lovely but please please be safe <3

BeyondAllFearxo · Oct 20, 2017

Tiny fairy

Hiraeth_ · Oct 20, 2017

W1shingonastarxo said:
Tiny fairy

QueenAlice1 said:
you have my goal legs , really lovely but please please be safe <3

You guys are sweet, I can't comprehend how anyone can see me or my legs as tiny/goals, but thanks for saying it anyways

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Hiraeth_ · Oct 20, 2017

Lol, there you go again, my before and after pictures. Damn, I gotta delete them from other threads, I'm sure it's annoying to other users.

2013 - Now (highest - 4 kg away from lowest)

2013 - End 2016 (highest/lowest)

2014 - 2015 (lowest)

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Anabie · Oct 20, 2017

WoW You have such nice body,let alone the tiny hands.

Wanna trade bodies?? xD

Stay safe<3

Hiraeth_ · Oct 20, 2017

Anabie said:
Wanna trade bodies?? xD

YES PLEASE Thanks doll!

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Hiraeth_ · Oct 20, 2017

I really don't understand how my blood sugar stays low-ish while I do actually eat (although I purge everything). I have my very first work day tomorrow and I hope I'll be able to perform my tasks without getting too faint. Maybe I should invest in some caffeine pills? However, I have an audition directly after work, so that means a busy means which means no food til at least 18:00. I think I'll fast

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Guest · Oct 21, 2017

You're extremely beautiful and tiny!! There's no flab on that tum fyi
Please don't lose much more you're perfect (and you looked good in the before pics too) ♡

Hiraeth_ · Oct 21, 2017

BruisePristine said:
You're extremely beautiful and tiny!! There's no flab on that tum fyi
Please don't lose much more you're perfect (and you looked good in the before pics too) ♡

Oh wow... Honestly so many people either bullied me at my before pictures or called me beautiful when I was that weight, so I'm really confused when I see them. I just see a huge blob of fat, and it's really difficult to see otherwise. But it gives me some hope that not everyone sees my body that way

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Hiraeth_ · Oct 21, 2017

My first workday went a-ma-zing! I LOVED it!

(Ew - I look healthy here... Although I'm wearing 4 layers of clothing underneath this, so that might contribute to the fat arms)

Honestly, it was a lot of pressure but I went like 'fuck it, smile through it,' and my colleagues pulled me through it all. They're all so sweet. There's one guy who's always calling me 'sweetheart' and 'darling' and he just gives off these brotherly vibes.
It is a bit awkward though because sometimes he talked about food, and I'd be like 'yeah, that's totally delicious!' while I would be thinking 'damn it, that contains an awful lot of calories, I'm jealous you can just eat that and enjoy it, without throwing it up afterwards'.
One costumer tried to ruin my day because at one point I was going so slow, 20 people kept waiting in line and somehow I kept fucking up with scanning the products, but eventually I smiled at her and said "you know Miss, it's my first work day, I still have to learn a lot. My sincere apologies," and kept my calm. I amazed myself by not bashing myself for fucking up.

My audition went okay-ish. My first improv scene went awesome. The second not so well... It was more advanced, and I just hadn't listened that well to the directions. I hope the producer will see through that flaw.

Fasted for 17 hours today. Then 'binged' on dinner and night snack.

Also: Whaddup scale? 40,1 tonight. Ofc dehydrated, so I'm prob 41 tomorrow *knocks on wood anxiously*
If it was 39,9, I'd be a BMI 14.5 rougly. Aaaahhhh I want to be below 40 so so badly...

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Hiraeth_ · Oct 21, 2017

22/10: 40,7 kg - BMI 14,6 today! I'm feeling a bit happy, and hungry, which makes me even happier

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Mieko · Oct 22, 2017

You're pretty, and the size I'd like to be. I like tiny arms too.

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Durian · Oct 23, 2017

You have always been thin and beautiful, even at your hw. If you could see it yourself you would've been your own thinspo, so lovely <3

Hiraeth_ · Oct 26, 2017

Because I haven't posted in a while: Chestbones. So glad that they're starting to protrude

Today was a good day! I worked an evening shift, and finally I wasn't out of balance! (There was just a + €0,10 difference in my cash register, it's difficult to explain, lol). It helped that so many costumers were nice to me too. One lady was telling my co-worker that he should tell me more often that I'm beautiful, and although it was pretty embarrassing to be part of the whole scene, it was hilarious as well.
Another lady went to buy onions and kept looking at me with this strange look, and then finally asked me: "What are you doing here? You should be on stage or something, you're too beautiful to just sit in this store. Unique." and that really fucking made my night. What an endearing lady. I b/p'd all day. Heck, I'm even b/p'ing as I write this, but customers like that really make or break me. But all in all, it was very wise to start this job, no matter how hard it is to drag my ass to work on most days.

My mum's off to Belgium for business for a day, and she just called me that she found sleeping pills for me, I'm so relieved! She's searching for topamax as well, since my own psychiatrist wants me to stop taking it, but I'm sure it'll make my binges worse again, and I'll end up trying to commit suicide once again. Psychiatrists are so ugh. They don't l-i-s-t-e-n. My weightloss is NOT a side effect of a med. I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER YOU FUCKTARD View attachment 646778

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Hiraeth_ · Oct 26, 2017

h3000 said:
You have such a pretty complexion and smile hope work continues to go well ^_^

Thank you so so much, you're a sweetheart! Enjoy your day/night!

❝ ѕσмєтιмєѕ уσυ gσттα вℓєє∂ тσ кησω / тнαт уσυ'яє αℓινє αη∂ нανє α ѕσυℓ ❞

Hiraeth_ · Oct 6, 2020

I'm super tired, I just got back from school and I will probably stop going to college and it makes me insanely sad... I will fall into this void again, having no purpose, no social contact, no school diploma, nothing to feel excited about. If I have to stop going to college and can't find a 'replacement', it's going to be the end of me, literally. I wrote my social workers about that I can't handle this anymore and they contacted my GP, who doesn't want anything to do with me and she told my social workers to contact my psychologist instead, and my psychologist is basically telling me to go search for help on my own. I want to cry. I'm in distress.

I read all of your comments and I want to give you all a big warm virtual hug. Guys, I love you for everything you are, and everything you have said to me. Thank you for taking time to write to a girl you've never met, yet you still care... Thank you so much

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Hiraeth_ · Oct 6, 2020

Real stupid ED talk*

It's weird how you can be scared yet thrilled at the same time because of something. I'm 34,9 kg now and my disorder is happy about that, yet it wants me to go lower, but the real 'me' is absolutely terrified and screaming in terror. I'm losing, I'm losing this battle against my own mind and the scariest thing about that is knowing that it is happening, right in front of your eyes, or happening TO you but you can't do a thing about it. Like you're watching an accident happen, and all you can do is just stand there. Frightened.

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tuospain · Oct 8, 2020

Hiraeth_ said:
Real stupid ED talk*

It's weird how you can be scared yet thrilled at the same time because of something. I'm 34,9 kg now and my disorder is happy about that, yet it wants me to go lower, but the real 'me' is absolutely terrified and screaming in terror. I'm losing, I'm losing this battle against my own mind and the scariest thing about that is knowing that it is happening, right in front of your eyes, or happening TO you but you can't do a thing about it. Like you're watching an accident happen, and all you can do is just stand there. Frightened.

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It would be so dangerous to go any lower! I hope the real you wins that argument.

I am so sorry to hear that you may have to leave school for now. Have you told the counsellors that that was providing you with purpose and a reason to overcome this disease? Good luck, and I hope you can get to your studies stronger than ever soon.

Hiraeth_ · Oct 23, 2020

Hi y'all, I've had a few rough weeks. Very rough...
I've come to a point where I see that it's either recovery or endless suffering. I literally have no choice. I used to think death is the only way out, until a few days ago. I don't know how to explain it, but suddenly I started thinking about death and what happens after it. What if death isn't the end, and my pain will only continue after it, or intensify? I was raised as a Catholic but don't consider myself as one, although I do believe something greater exists. And it scares me. It scares the fucking hell out of me. So if death can't comfort me, and the present is all I have, all I can do is try to make the best of it. No matter how fucking dark the present is. I don't know if I can make it better, but lower than this I cannot go. So it's recovery or more misery, even after life. Let's hope for the best... After this weekend, it's on. No cheating. Actually eating. Not purging. Not binging. No eating disorder.

I'm terrified but it's the only option

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Hiraeth_ · Oct 24, 2020

So
One of my best friends has an ED. I think OSFED since she said it 'wasnt specified'. I love this girl to the moon and back. And I've shared so much of my better and worst days with her.

And I fucking hate myself for not realizing she has an eating disorder. I needed to protect her from triggers and what do I do? Being triggering as fuck. Not realizing that her seeing me not eat or losing weight might trigger her. Cause I didn't realize she was struggling with this in the first place.

How could I have missed this? Why the fuck didn't I think that her ultra healthy eating habits wasn't a big fucking warning sign? Why the fuck am I so egocentric!!! One of the kindest, most awesome and best persons in the world has a huge life problem and I was completely blind!!! I don't know what to do or to say to her, how to help, what to say....

Hiraeth_ · Nov 16, 2020

I'm exhausted. Can't stop b/p'ing again. Sleeping 3 hours a night. Drinking +200kcal hard liquor a night. This is no life.

Last night I fell asleep imagining I was 7 again. I had just finished packing my suitcase. The next morning we would be going to Switzerland. Before going to bed my dad came to my room and kissed me goodnight. Now I was secretly gaming on my nintendo, looking forward to the long car drive to Switzerland. My mom had made my favorite chicken salad for on the road. Dad had given me a brand new book to read. I felt happy. I was looking forward to rolling out of bed the following morning, to rush into my parents bedroom, hug my mom good morning, take a hot shower while putting the radio on, and then eating breakfast with dad. Making silly faces. Laughing.

I wish I was there again. That simplicity. I had taken that simplicity for granted. Blissfully unaware.

caarinaa · Nov 16, 2020

Can just hope that you have a nice time in Switzerland and everything will be better there for you.

Hiraeth_ · Nov 16, 2020

caarinaa said:
Can just hope that you have a nice time in Switzerland and everything will be better there for you.

It was a memory from when I was 7.... Just a memory I was reliving before falling asleep.

jacqueline_ · Nov 17, 2020

Hiraeth_ said:
So
One of my best friends has an ED. I think OSFED since she said it 'wasnt specified'. I love this girl to the moon and back. And I've shared so much of my better and worst days with her.

And I fucking hate myself for not realizing she has an eating disorder. I needed to protect her from triggers and what do I do? Being triggering as fuck. Not realizing that her seeing me not eat or losing weight might trigger her. Cause I didn't realize she was struggling with this in the first place.

How could I have missed this? Why the fuck didn't I think that her ultra healthy eating habits wasn't a big fucking warning sign? Why the fuck am I so egocentric!!! One of the kindest, most awesome and best persons in the world has a huge life problem and I was completely blind!!! I don't know what to do or to say to her, how to help, what to say....

Try not to be so hard on yourself. We're all so wrapped up in our own demons that we don't really seem to notice other people's issues.
I would just offer her my understanding and support.
With things these complex sometimes the best thing is just a shoulder to lean on.
-hugs-
❤

caarinaa · Nov 17, 2020

Hiraeth_ said:
It was a memory from when I was 7.... Just a memory I was reliving before falling asleep.

Sorry, but it sounded so positive, so I thought it would be real. But maybe it can still you give power and maybe soon you can do nearly the same again.

The Flower of Carnage · Nov 21, 2020

Hey, I hope things will improve for you. I feel as though we are in a somewhat similar situation. I know this sounds weird but try thinking of holding on to be able to visit Switzerland again. I do the same with wanting to go back to the Adelaide Hills.

Hiraeth_ · Nov 29, 2020

The Flower of Carnage said:
Hey, I hope things will improve for you. I feel as though we are in a somewhat similar situation. I know this sounds weird but try thinking of holding on to be able to visit Switzerland again. I do the same with wanting to go back to the Adelaide Hills.

Doesn't sound weird at all. I hope you can go back some day soon

fragilexpaperthin · Jun 17, 2021

Hey just checking in that you're doing okay? It's been a few months so I figured I would make sure. You're so incredibly strong and I'm proud of you and the strength you have to push through everyday when I'm sure it feels quite rough atm. Much love x

jacqueline_ · Jun 19, 2021

I was wondering the same myself, haven't heard from you in a while. I've pretty much migrated to EDC but still pop on here to check on people.
Hope you're ok

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2BeThinEnough · Jun 19, 2021

Hun your arms are already thinner then hers. You are gorgeous

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Hiraeth_ · Jul 25, 2022

Hi stranger or old friend who might see this. Yes, this is addressed to you. *You*.

Because I want you to know that life gets better.

Two years ago I was a complete other person. I wasn't even a person, more like an obsessed, starving crazy suicidal robot. Back then I thought everyone around me was "weird" for not being able to view me as I viewed myself: Worthless. All I wanted was to die and life was a chore, breathing and dragging myself through the hours of the Day was a chore, a painful one. Time was my enemy and so was life.

I can barely identify with the person I used to be now. I am for the first time genuinely happy on most days.

So it gets better. Hold on - Pain ends. It sounds cliché but it's true. You might not be able to see that there are other ways out of your situation but give yourself time and space and be non-judgmental. Non judgment to yourself, the situation you're in, your feelings and thoughts.

You are not your thoughts and feelings. They do not make up who you are, just how you behave or choose not to behave. You might feel like your mind is out of control and the truth is the mind is always chaos. But you can train yourself by choosing not to engage with a thought and better yet, to disregard a not helpful thought.

Recovery is a process that takes patience, super hard work, kindness and love for yourself and analysing. It won't be easy. It won't be without a fight. But it gets easier, and the happiness you will get back is worth every effort you put into it.

I just logged back in because maybe someone like you will ever see this, and get hope out of what I'm writing, especially after reading some of my older post.

Pain ends. Open your eyes love - There's a whole world waiting for you, and it is not as black as you feel and think it is. Trust me. It's kind of orange to me actually. Exciting. Also frightening sometimes now that I'm making my first steps into this new world, but hell... How much better it is than the obsession and indescribable pain I use to live in. It's not always sunny and rosy, of course not. But better.

Love yourself. I mean it. I love you ♥

Hiraeth_ · Jul 25, 2022

And this is for myself.

I got into acting school.
And a mentor who invests in me.
A new role coming up. A plan to set up a theater group.
More confidence in myself and a sense that I can do things.
Growing love, or at least a sense of "like" for myself. I thought I knew that this wasn't possible. I "knew" wrong.

I'm learning to deal with my anxiety (which is still huge, but it's a process) in healthy ways. Not with shrinking myself so I cannot feel it as intense (+the other negative feels, but also the positives), not with stuffing myself to stop feeling and thinking for a while, not with alcohol to achieve all this together, nor drugs.

It's not going in a straight line but I am proud of what I've achieved so far and cut myself some slack. I cannot wait to see how my life might turn out for the better furthermore. We're working on it. I ain't no quitter.

Stravinsk-eat · Jul 25, 2022

Hiraeth_ said:
Hi stranger or old friend who might see this. Yes, this is addressed to you. *You*.

Because I want you to know that life gets better.

Two years ago I was a complete other person. I wasn't even a person, more like an obsessed, starving crazy suicidal robot. Back then I thought everyone around me was "weird" for not being able to view me as I viewed myself: Worthless. All I wanted was to die and life was a chore, breathing and dragging myself through the hours of the Day was a chore, a painful one. Time was my enemy and so was life.

I can barely identify with the person I used to be now. I am for the first time genuinely happy on most days.

So it gets better. Hold on - Pain ends. It sounds cliché but it's true. You might not be able to see that there are other ways out of your situation but give yourself time and space and be non-judgmental. Non judgment to yourself, the situation you're in, your feelings and thoughts.

You are not your thoughts and feelings. They do not make up who you are, just how you behave or choose not to behave. You might feel like your mind is out of control and the truth is the mind is always chaos. But you can train yourself by choosing not to engage with a thought and better yet, to disregard a not helpful thought.

Recovery is a process that takes patience, super hard work, kindness and love for yourself and analysing. It won't be easy. It won't be without a fight. But it gets easier, and the happiness you will get back is worth every effort you put into it.

I just logged back in because maybe someone like you will ever see this, and get hope out of what I'm writing, especially after reading some of my older post.

Pain ends. Open your eyes love - There's a whole world waiting for you, and it is not as black as you feel and think it is. Trust me. It's kind of orange to me actually. Exciting. Also frightening sometimes now that I'm making my first steps into this new world, but hell... How much better it is than the obsession and indescribable pain I use to live in. It's not always sunny and rosy, of course not. But better.

Love yourself. I mean it. I love you ♥

I'm so happy for you and your change for the better!! Congratulations, you turned your life around and you know what? There's no going back now. Hugs <3

StarvingLlama*-* · Jul 26, 2022

Hiraeth_ said:
Hi stranger or old friend who might see this. Yes, this is addressed to you. *You*.

Because I want you to know that life gets better.

Two years ago I was a complete other person. I wasn't even a person, more like an obsessed, starving crazy suicidal robot. Back then I thought everyone around me was "weird" for not being able to view me as I viewed myself: Worthless. All I wanted was to die and life was a chore, breathing and dragging myself through the hours of the Day was a chore, a painful one. Time was my enemy and so was life.

I can barely identify with the person I used to be now. I am for the first time genuinely happy on most days.

So it gets better. Hold on - Pain ends. It sounds cliché but it's true. You might not be able to see that there are other ways out of your situation but give yourself time and space and be non-judgmental. Non judgment to yourself, the situation you're in, your feelings and thoughts.

You are not your thoughts and feelings. They do not make up who you are, just how you behave or choose not to behave. You might feel like your mind is out of control and the truth is the mind is always chaos. But you can train yourself by choosing not to engage with a thought and better yet, to disregard a not helpful thought.

Recovery is a process that takes patience, super hard work, kindness and love for yourself and analysing. It won't be easy. It won't be without a fight. But it gets easier, and the happiness you will get back is worth every effort you put into it.

I just logged back in because maybe someone like you will ever see this, and get hope out of what I'm writing, especially after reading some of my older post.

Pain ends. Open your eyes love - There's a whole world waiting for you, and it is not as black as you feel and think it is. Trust me. It's kind of orange to me actually. Exciting. Also frightening sometimes now that I'm making my first steps into this new world, but hell... How much better it is than the obsession and indescribable pain I use to live in. It's not always sunny and rosy, of course not. But better.

Love yourself. I mean it. I love you

This made me incredibly happy to read especially because I remember you from years ago thank you so much for giving me hope<3

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vampheart · Jul 28, 2022

Wow just read through your whole thing …. so so happy to see this as the last post ❤‍🩹❤‍🩹❤‍🩹

inmyeyes · Oct 12, 2016

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ᵼħǝ⍹øȓƨⱦ ŁıȶtⱢ℮ ⒢ïɍℓ

xx Intro xx

Hi everyone! You might have seen me around before. I hop around between various forums, including the recovery forum. I do not really know what is wrong with me. I am diagnosed with OCD and AN, however I do not believe I have either of those issues because I am not sick enough.

xxx About xxx

On this page, I will be documenting my story and its ups and downs. I am in college and do not have a big support system I can vent to about this kind of stuff. I doubt anyone on here will be able to relate, because I am the worst little girl on MPA (kind of the reverse of the biggest looser). I eat too much, yet I am not living. I have had a fucked up history with food for as long as I can remember. My aunt is specialized in mental health and warned my mom when I was a toddler that I had all of the personality traits of someone with anorexia. My growth chart is fucked up and my mom took me to many doctors to get blood sugar testing, diabetes testing, etc. I live for my parents. If they weren't so supportive, I would not feel the need to eat as much as I do or attempt to be a functional adult. If something were to happen to them, I would feel much better about leaving this planet.

xxx History xxx

I have been to treatment twice at ERC Denver. Once inpatient/PHP in the adolescent and once in residential/PHP the adult unit. I was diagnosed there with AN and OCD. I most recently completed an IOP program near my hometown in June. I moved to college in August and relapsed hardcore, getting down to my low bmi of 13.8 before being hospitalized and then sent to treatment at McCallum Place in Saint Louis. I am currently in PHP and ready to relapse but holding onto recovery for my family.

inmyeyes · Oct 18, 2016

October 18, 2016

I ate 1500 calories today. Wayyy too fucking much.

I was at my parents' house for fall break at school and flew back to college today. I had to look "recovery"-focused, so spend the weekend trying to eat normally in front of them and as little as possible when they weren't looking. I got back to my dorm and had dinner and then both of my roommates came in around 9:30, laughing and smiling. I said hi when they came in and got no reply. I assumed it was just because they didn't hear me, but then I tried joining in on their conversation and nobody even acknowledged me... They hate me. I don't blame them. I just want to go to sleep, but they are up and I am such a light sleeper that I won't be able to sleep until they go to bed. Which will probably be hours from now.

I miss my old life. I miss being in treatment. I miss being at home. I miss being in recovery. I miss being with my friends. I miss having friends. I miss having my own bedroom and my schedule and my dog and my house. I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling.

I sent a snapchat to one of my few friends from back home and told her I needed to starve to death. I saw her this weekend so I asked her if she thought I had gained/lost/maintained weight. She told me "I didn't notice, but you looked really healthy!" :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry:

I need to starve, preferably to death.

Sorry mom and dad. I really tried. I know it looks like I didn't.

:Intake:

Breakfast- 1/2 cup oats, 1 tbs chia seeds, 1.5 cups watermelon, 1 cup Dannon Light & Fit yogurt

Lunch: 1.5 enchiladas

Dinner: 2 cups carrots, 1 bag of quest chips

Snack: Quest PB chocolate bar, 1.25 cups pineapple

Total: 1497 calories

Steps: 9211 (from phone)

Guest · Oct 27, 2016

I really understand you. I'm also just on the border of a healthy bmi, and I want to want to recover for my parents otherwise I have no reason. But in the same time, i dont want to recover because eating like everyone else and just being "normal" in general sounds too boring to me. I also feel like Im no one without my ed behaviors, like who would i be after recovery? If ill be me again, no thx

biych · Nov 27, 2016

aw I'm sorry you're relapsing :-( Take care! I'm following btw

inmyeyes · Jan 8, 2017

January 8th, 2016

I am back home again for winter break. Unfortunately, my parents caught on and I am currently in a day program M-F for 6 hours. What a fun winter break! Actually, it isn't that bad. Part of me loves being in treatment. It is the only place I feel like I actually connect to people. If I weren't in PHP now, I would be so much lonelier.

Except they want me to gain weight. SHIT.

My intake has been around 1700-2000. I do not have a scale at home and my dietician told me that I gained .4 pounds as of last Tuesday. Hopefully I will leave for school no more than 3 pounds heavier than when I came in. Even though I am dreading going back to school. I have no friends, no purpose.

I miss the appearance of my body when it was healthy, but I don't trust my body with food. And if I increase my calories to weight gain mode, I am afraid of having to decrease them. It doesn't really make sense to me.

I think the worst part about recovery is that I have no reason to recover. I have no hopes, no goals, no future. I don't enjoy anything. I want to, but I don't know how.

Skeletalspirits · Jan 9, 2017

What's your insta?

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inmyeyes · Jan 11, 2017

January 11th, 2016

Only 2 more days left in day program before I get to go back to school and have freedom!!! I am actually really nervous about going back to school. I am afraid of going back with my eating disorder but I am more afraid of going back to school without it. I honestly wish I were in a place where I felt safe enough and ready enough to give into recovery. At this point in time, I am willing to maintain my weight. I could very easily change and decide to lose weight once I get back to school. But I am not willing to give up control over food and my "little" behaviors.

I somehow managed to go 3 weeks in a day program without gaining any weight. I am honestly shocked that I have not gained while eating 1800-2100 calories/day with pacing as my only form of exercise. I feel like I have gained weight though and it is pissing me off. My hunger cues are coming back and I hate it. I just want to go back to being numb. That or back in recovery 100%. This in between phase sucks.

:Intake:

(During Day Program)

MS (300) : banana, clementine, siggi's whole milk yogurt

Lunch (~600) : 2 qdoba chicken tacos with guac, 1/2 a cookie :angry:

PM Snack (300) : banana, clementine, siggi's whole milk yogurt

(Out of Program)

Dinner (440) : BJ"s brewhouse brussel sprout & kale salad

Night Snack (240) : halo top pistachio

Total: 1844 calories

TDEE: 1913 calories

Steps: 13k (from phone)

inmyeyes · Jan 20, 2017

January 20th, 2016

Well I am back at school! Things haven't been as lonely/awful as I was expecting. I am so stuck between relapse and recovery though. I've been taking in about 1400 a day, which is enough to help me get through the day, lose slowly, but still have no room for life outside of my eating disorder. My mom told me she is going to come visit me and my parents will pull me out of school mid semester if I have lost weight

I really am trying to maintain, but I don't think I can eat my full meal plan. Compared to everyone else on here, I already eat wayyy too much to have a restrictive eating disorder. 1400 sounds like maintenance calories to me.

I bought my first scale the day I came back to school! http://www.target.com/p/weight-gurus-appsync-smart-scale-with-body-composition-silver/-/A-46790468?ref=tgt_adv_XS000000&AFID=google_pla_df&CPNG=PLA_Bath+Shopping&adgroup=SC_Bath_Top%20Performers&LID=700000001170770pgs&network=g&device=c&location=9022858&gclid=Cj0KEQiAh4fEBRCZhriIjLfArrQBEiQArzzDAelyNuhEv6p9xf-cyGA5vSBs0OYKcYS2JRPx-6w41F0aAjqn8P8HAQ&gclsrc=aw.ds This is the scale I got. It seems to be nice so far and I love that it does body fat percentage, even though I don't trust it.

This is my first scale and in the past, I would weigh myself no more than once a day because the only scale access I had was at the gym. I've been weighing myself a lot recently and my weight has been anywhere from 104-109.8 pounds. This seems like a huge range. And it's not consistent either. Sometimes I am 109 in the morning and 105 at night. Sometimes I gain over the day. I don't know which number to use and it is driving me nuts! I hope I am still loosing on 1400 calories. If not, that would be shitty.

:Intake:

Breakfast (300) Black coffee + Starbucks Spinach Feta Wrap

Lunch (155) Lettuce + FF French + Tomatoes + Bell Peppers

Snack (180) Turkey Perky Jerky

Dinner (~300) Subway Rotisserie Chicken Salad with veggies + brown mustard

Snack (240) Chocolate Halo Top

(planned on having 190 cal of cashews also, but stomach hurt so I am skipping. If I wake up with hunger pains I'll have them)

Total: ~1200 calories

Steps: 13k (from phone)

Exercise: 45 minutes of body weights

inmyeyes · Feb 11, 2017

February 11th, 2016

I feel so low today. And everyday. I keep contemplating recovery, although I don't want to yet. I need to get sicker before I can do that. I may try to up my intake my weight though, because I can tell that my school work is getting affected. Even though I already eat more than everyone else on here. To me, restriction has been 1200 calories a day. So that's a healthy amount. I don't even have an eating disorder so idk what the fuck I'm contemplating recovering from.

My mom is coming into town tomorrow to "check in" aka flying out to look at me and make sure my weight is okay :blink:

Dude, I'm flattered that you think I could lose that much weight in a month but seriously, I've been plateaued for months now. I swear, I'd have to have a deficit of like 1239048586 to lose half a pound. I feel like I should be losing on what I'm currently eating, but I'm not. I feel like shit, I can barely keep up in school (I got every single question wrong on my history quiz yesterday, they were all true/false).

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Weight - 103.2

inmyeyes · Feb 12, 2017

February 12th, 2016

So my mom flew in today. She's here less than 24 hours because she loves me. TBH, it's such a waste of money honestly. I feel so guilty having her spend the money on a flight + hotel just for this.

I had to have lunch and dinner and a snack with her. It was super hard emotionally and I think I was going to blow after having the sandwich at lunch. It was estimated calories, had fucking bread and mayo and cheese. I knew if I ordered it "special" my mom would know I was restricting.

1500 calories doesn't sound bad and I know that should be about maintenance. But we all know that restaurant workers are notorious for over-portioning, so I probably had like ~2000 calories today in reality.

I'm trying to tell myself that this intake is not outrageous, even if they over portioned both my lunch and dinner.

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My mom looked at me after we'd been playing Uno for an hour and randomly goes "so, do you wanna talk about your eating disorder at all?"

No woman, I don't have any eating disorder.

inmyeyes · Feb 14, 2017

February 14th, 2016

Weight - 100.2

Yesterday and today I have been under 1000 calories for the first time in months. I haven't had much of an appetite at all tbh. I ~~kind of like~~ absolutely love it. I've decided that I'm going to do a better job tracking my weight. I don't have a GW, UGW or anything like that. I actually feel like I should be maintaining right now so I can have the ability to focus on school. So as long as I'm not gaining and maintaining my grades, I am fine with either losing loosing or maintaining (preferable loosing, obviously!)

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inmyeyes · Mar 4, 2017

March 4, 2017

Dinner

I'm actually eating in my dorm room tonight which I rarely do. But I saw they had zoodles at whole foods a couple days ago, so I bought some

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I am really impulsively wanting to go out and buy a fitbit tonight. I know it's stupid because it will only help me waste more time/energy focusing on numbers but it is so damn tempting. I've been eating less than I like to and I kind of want to increase back up. Part of me even wants to recover, but I feel like I need to "see how far I can go".

I really want to see how tall I am, too. I have been measured anything from 5'6 to 5.65', which I know is a measly .1 bmi point or something silly like that but every little bit matters for some reason.

I am so nervous for going home over spring break. I hate eating around people and I can't remember the last time I did. My family is going to be so disappointed that I haven't managed to gain any weight since winter break

This morning's weight: 99.4

Calories: Not sure yet

inmyeyes · Mar 7, 2017

March 7, 2017

Weight - 98.2

Still feel like shit. I have midterms this week. I'm 1 test down, 3 to go. I don't think my concentration has ever been this poor. I feel like such a whiner. I woke up in the middle of the night hungry and let myself have an extra Siggi's, putting yesterday's total at 921. I know that is still a big deficit for me, but I can't help but worry that I will gain weight over the next couple of weeks when I go home for spring break.

I wish I could let myself eat 1200 at least this week for midterms, but I am not sure I want to. Is 1200 even restriction? 1400? 1600? Where is the line? I need to have my disorder still, I am not recovery to try recovery yet. I need to make sure people know that. Whenever I eat more I feel like people see it is "oh yay she's healed and feeling better and happy and life is perfect". No.

I am really craving a spinach feta wrap from starbucks but I am afraid of the carbs.

I've been weighing in at 98-something in the mornings the past few days, so that is exciting that I am consistently under 100. But a big part of me is super sad because I know that this weight won't last long. I haven't weighed this little since 5th grade. I strangely don't feel thin. At all. But I logically know I kind of am. I keep wondering if people are giving me weird looks when I walk around campus. Maybe it's me just being ugly, maybe it's that I actually am thin. Or maybe I just want to be.

191784 · Mar 10, 2017

Following!

inmyeyes · Mar 11, 2017

March 11

I made it homeee. I don't know how in the fucking world I will manage this next week, though.

Thankfully my dad was the only one home for dinner (mom and sister were gone) and he is much easier to fool when it comes to restricting.

All I had today before dinner was powerade zero and black coffee, so I treated myself to the shrimp scampi zucchini at California Pizza Kitchen and now I am having a pint of halo top with walden farms chemical shit. That means I went a solid 20 hours without eating and I've never gone this long without eating before. I felt pretty good tbh, especially once I had the powerade zero. Maybe I should try fasting.

Tomorrow will be the hardest day because it is the weekend and everyone will be home. I need to keep my recovery game face on tomorrow. I can get back to my routine on Saturday. One week of eating my recovery meal plan can't make me gain more than a couple of pounds, right?

I didn't weigh myself today for the first time in weeks. I should probably avoid the scale for a solid month or so until this spring break weight comes off lol.

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inmyeyes · Mar 11, 2017

Tall.Faerie.Girl said:
Following!

Awhhh I feel so loved

inmyeyes · Mar 28, 2017

March 28

Weight - 93.0

Calories - 589

Long time no talk.

I keep thinking I should update but then just distracted. And I don't really know what to write because nobody will read this and I get mad at myself because everyone else's accountabilities look so perfect compared to this.

I am feeling very stuck. I can't seem to increase my calories and I know it's stupid because just eat, you dumbass. And it's not even like 600 is "that low" (my intake for the past week or so). I can't get myself to recover/gain weight. I have no hope. Part of me wants to escape this and run away to treatment but part of me wants to get as low as I fucking can sustain. Part of me wants to transfer to a college closer to home/take a break from school this fall and just surrender to the fact that I am not the perfect daughter my parents have always wanted.

Because TBH life sucks. I have no energy anymore. I barely show up to classes (only the ones that don't post their lectures online). The only social interactions I have are exchanging pleasantries. I avoid people at all costs.

But then again, I'm not sick enough.

And I don't want to.

But I want to want to.

Body checks:

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sarsmol · Mar 28, 2017

Girl you are so tiny. Honestly, I was in a super hostile situation last year at uni with an awful roommate and was restricting really low. This year I transferred schools and moved back home. I feel better mentally, gained a bit back at first, but have started restricting again.

I think anywhere we go, the thoughts will follow. I'm sorry you're struggling, maybe you could see a counselor at your school just to talk it out with someone. Talking it out is super intimidating, but it's low commitment and you can evaluate how you feel after and hopefully start to develop a clearer image of where you want to go in terms of recovery/maintenance.

Guest · Mar 29, 2017

You really are so tiny. And you sound so sad.

I am sorry you're struggling so much. 600 really is that low especially at your weight. I really hope you consider trying to up your cals again or do what you need to/can to look after yourself. <3

Livia. · Mar 29, 2017

Im trying to do maintenance atm so I know how hard upping your cals is so don't let that make you feel like a failure or convince you to stop trying. It is really really hard and you have every right to feel that way.

I think with school you should do what's gonna make you happy, if you can listen online attending isn't a big deal so would changing schools make you happy or is where you are now where you actually want to be cause that's what matters.

And I just want to say YOU ARE SICK ENOUGH. like we all think I'm not good enough or sick enough but you are, 600 a day is nothing and as the others have said above you're really tiny. And you definitely deserve to have a higher intake and work towards recovery.

Thursday, March 9, 2023

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